Acceptance: The First Virtue of Humanity
Humanity: The Concern for Impact to People
Typical to most intellectual endeavors, the evolution of what it means to be a transcendent leader in today’s global world continues to morph as we study it. Last week, as we dug into the definition of “presence” as one of the categories, we were again stumped by the vagueness of the definition of “presence” in the public eye and had several minds working on it with us. One day last weekend, as I was studying the relevance of the virtue of “resilience” to leadership, it finally hit home…that the category of Presence was really about the central idea of resilience and that presence, the way we were defining it really belonged in the center of our model in the same circle as Transcendence.
One of our colleagues also made the observation that authentic leadership also resided there at the center, where we can have moments of greatness, but can’t possibly “live there” all of the time, because after all, who is in “the zone” of greatness ALL of the time. No human beings that I know of! So, if our goal is to be balanced and centered and objective, including the personal ability to consider both our egocentric view (impact to the self) and our sociocentric view (impact to others) but to rise above both to consider what is best for the overarching good of the greater organization, community or mission we are on, then the condition we must aspire to is a position of balanced perception of objective reality NOW and combine it with future vision for what could be better to determine the optimum course of action. That said, the sociocentric view is what the category of HUMANITY is all about. As leaders, we must cultivate into our thinking, ways to consider the greater impact to the greatest number of people affected by our agenda and to be able to make balanced, objective decisions about our agenda in consideration of that view.
The First Commendable Trait (virtue) of Humanity: Acceptance
The longer I coach executives, the more I have come to believe that the commendable trait of acceptance may be the mother of all other traits when thinking about what the global leader of today must have to be a broad positive influence. Like all commendable traits (virtues) there is a relevant application to both the self and to how one considers others. In other words, in order to accept others in a positive way, one must possess the capacity to accept oneself first.
For the last 8 years, I have personally been the benefactor of this amazing trait in my own marriage. My husband (and the captain of all of our sailing excursions!) is the example of this trait in my life, and through relating with him, I have learned of its inordinate value by observation of how others are impacted by him and by personal benefit to me, because I get to live with someone who gives me this gift every day!
What I am talking about, more specifically, is that Dan gives me and others “the benefit of doubt” when it comes to everything we do and say. By being around him I have become aware that I was often thinking critical thoughts of myself and others, without really being realistic and without knowing all of the facts. For example, let’s say we have been out on the boat for the weekend with friends. It might be my natural tendency to notice things about our guests that could cause my thoughts to go in a negative direction and say “Dan, did you notice that so and so was so controlling and rigid in their daily routines?” Dan and I are generally free spirited and like to go with the flow a lot, so it would be natural for us to observe something like this after a weekend of coordinating activities, meals, etc. with another couple or family. But Dan, being the consumate gentleman, would often respond to me by saying something like “Well, all families have their routines…and I’m sure our loose way of living was just as hard for them to adjust to, so let’s not worry about that…we had a good time!”
This positive pattern of thinking pervades my husband’s whole way of being most of the time, and I have to say it is most inspiring. I am especially appreciative, because I am the personal benefactor of that brand of goodwill in my own daily life, so he gives me a break dozens of times a day! The result, is that I have become a lot more like him in my own thought patterns because it is such a lovely thing to receive every day. My joy at being given a break all day, makes me want to give everyone else that same gift. So, in a sense, it is a little like paying it forward.
The Definition of Acceptance
Recently, I was listening to a CD series that was given to me by a friend, because she knew of my interest in positive pyschology and I heard Dr Seligman, one of the fathers of the positive psychology movement, define LOVE. I hope he will forgive me if this is not a perfectly accurate quote, but this is how I remember it. The definition of love is an “intentional choice to idealize another’s persons positive qualities and to minimize their shortcomings”. Dr Seligman went on to make his point that happy marriages almost always include this kind of thinking about one another. My thoughts began to run with this idea and I naturally thought about the fact that most relationships when they have gone bad, do so because one of the parties has begun to think only of the shortcomings of the other person. How interesting and simple! This explains the interesting phenomena of why we can look at another couple and say “I wonder what he sees in her” when it really doesn’t matter because HE absolutely sees her best traits in a very unique way. Love is indeed a choice and that choice is to see the person in a way that none other can!
So, what the heck does this have to do with Leadership?
As I almost always do, when I learn something about human behavior, I immediately begin to test the theory with my own life (for face value) and in their lives of my clients, so I can see if there is an application to business and leadership. There always is an application, because humans are humans and organizations are made up of human systems.
So, how does this definition apply to leadership? Specifically, it works for the application of ACCEPTANCE (the closest equivalent). We don’t want to use the word love in work, but the next best thing in business is personal acceptance that a person has their own value. Unique value. So, the uniqueness aspect is critical to the application of this commendable trait. Basically, if I feel valued, by virtue of my unique personality and set of skills, then I can feel good about my contribution and my relationships at work. The minute I get negative feedback that someone is focusing on my shortcomings instead of my unique set of skills and traits, I start getting negative myself and look for flaws in the perpetrator to retailiate or at the least, to rationalize my own way of being. All of this starts a negative spiral of poor relations that downplays the contributions of and demotivates the people involved in the relational dynamic.
So, what is the most important gift you can give to a co-worker or colleague? Acceptance as defined by two things: 1. giving them the benefit of doubt that they have their good reasons for doing what they do and are human beings on a path of personal development just like we are, and 2. that we have a choice to focus on their positives or on their negatives, and that choice will determine the cadence of our relationship. In short, if we choose to focus on the negative, we will inevitably be on the receiving end of some similar sentiments very shortly! Who needs that? But, what we don’t realize is that the cycle starts somewhere, and often with our own thoughts! After all, when we are thinking about a person’s shortcomings, are we naive enough to think they won’t see it in our eyes, our actions and in our energy when we are around them?
An example that will make even the toughest guy cry…
Recently, I was having a discussion about this topic with one of my clients. He gave me permission to write this story because it made such an impact in his life, so I will relate some specifics that serve to bring the story to life.
My client is a tall, muscular man about 6.5 feet tall, all brawn and bravery, and when he first came to me was a self described “tough Dane, who can’t change who he is for anyone else!” I listened to his proclamation with a soft and knowing smile, that if he came to work with me, he would indeed change. And change he has, since barely three months into our work together, he came into my office, sat down and with soft tears in his eyes, he told the following story….
“Pam, remember when we talked about “acceptance” a few weeks ago? Well, my life has changed in a very important way since that conversation and I just want to tell you about it…..
Here is his story…..in his own words….
“One night, I was working away on my email late into the evening and down the stairs came my 6 year old nephew who was crying that he could not sleep. He wanted a glass of water, so I got it for him and tried to rush him back up the stairs so I could get back to my work. My wif’e’s sister and her kids have been living with us for a few months, so it adds to the chaos around the house and I sometimes find that all of the extra responsibilities can grate on my nerves and make me less than patient. Tonight was no different, and I was feeling a little annoyed by the interruption of my nephews needs when all of the sudden I heard your voice saying to me…‘One of the greatest gifts we can give to another human being is acceptance and love…’ and I stopped dead in my tracks on the stairs looking into the big sad eyes of my nephew. Tears were brimming in his eyes, and I knew he had wanted more than a glass of water.
In that moment, everything that I already knew came rushing into my conscioussness…I knew he was hurt, he probably missed his dad, and that he couldn’t sleep for reasons bigger than I might know. In that moment of realization, I said something unusual for me….I said, “You know what, I need a great big hug…will you give me one?” My little nephew smiled the biggest smile I had seen since he moved in, ran into my arms and hung on for dear life. He clung to my neck and we both cried for the longest time. He would not let go, and in that moment I felt the presence of his need for the approval of a male role model in his life. From that moment on, our house has changed and our relationship has changed. I see myself differently and I know that I am important to him…and that he is important to me. Our unique needs, made us invaluable to one another. Acceptance truly is one of the greatest gifts we can give to one another and I will never forget that again…."
The Gift of Coaching
It is for the stories like these, that I don my headset or open my office door for clients day after day, hour after hour and hear the troubles of daily life spoken by my busy, overwhelmed executives. It isn’t an easy calling, but it is a calling that matters. It is a place where I can wear my specialness, my uniqueness and profer my most important gifts on a daily basis. It is a career that makes a difference because the great leaders I teach and coach, touch lives all over the globe. I know my work is done with this client, and that all I have to do is wait. Wait to hear about his great leadership story years from now, when he tells someone that growing yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourSELF. If a coach can teach this ONE THING. That acceptance of oneself as an imperfect human being makes us a comfortable person to be around and a great leader to follow, I will have done something of value with my skills. We are all “work in progress” and no one wants to be around an imperfect person who is trying to be perfect. All you can find there is judgment and criticism. Who could measure up anyway? With a person who accepts themself as a real, flawed person who is trying to grow offers the best benefit to me…. I can become everything I am meant to become!
Expanding exercise:
Activity #1 Write the names of five people you have judged or of whom you have been critical. Make list of the things you don’t like about them. Then make a list of the things you appreciate about them, and make it 25% longer than the list of criticisms. If you can’t do this, then you need to get to know them better. Keep working on the relationship until you have a longer list of their positives. Then, find a creative way to tell them what you have learned to appreciate about them.
Activity #2 Write a list of your positive qualities. Include all of the things that are unique about you and that you think others may find interesting about you. Then, go ask some people who love you to add to the list. Keep adding to the list over the next month until you have a complete list of things you can appreciate about yourself. Then, encourage some others you care about to do the same. Pay it forward.
Activity #3 Make a list of all of the negative qualities you think you have. Find a way to improve them just 5% and do a little better at them, then give yourself credit. With some of them you may want to try to find a little humor in them and lighten up your inner language about yourself so that your self acceptance begins to shine outwardly. Once this starts happening, start to record the positive things that happen as a result and you will begin to see the benefits in giving yourself the benefit of doubt!!
Pam Boney, PCC
Executive Suite Coaching, Inc
Copyright Feb 2008
pam@pamboney.com